


Hard feelings

by moonlight_jukebox



Series: The Aftermath [2]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Gen, So much angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:27:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26361886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonlight_jukebox/pseuds/moonlight_jukebox
Summary: After the events of a few nights ago, things between Reader and Reid become tense. What will happen when the two finally confront each other?Sequel to 10 am.
Relationships: Spencer Reid/Reader, Spencer Reid/You
Series: The Aftermath [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1915579
Comments: 10
Kudos: 66





	Hard feelings

**Author's Note:**

> After hearing all of your requests, I've decided to make 10 am a part of a series. There will be 4 parts to wrap everything up. This is part 2.

I couldn’t be sure, but I think Spencer and JJ had come to some sort of understanding. For weeks JJ had avoided Spencer; Spencer had split his time equally between glaring at JJ and ignoring her. Now they were smiling at each other again, and while the energy still seemed to crackle between them, I was happy they were making progress towards mending their relationship. They were my friends, and I didn’t want either of them to hurt.

Especially not the way I hurt. Spencer may have ignored JJ…but he acted like I didn’t exist.

Those brown eyes never looked in my direction, he never responded to something I said when we were working together, and the one-time Prentiss had assigned us to do something together he had gone to her and asked her to change it.

JJ went with me instead.

“Did something happen with Spence?” she asked.

I wanted to be mad at her, I really did. She had realized she loved Spencer too late and when she told him it had ruined something inside of him.

But I couldn’t. It wasn’t her fault that I loved Spencer, and it wasn’t her fault that Spencer only thought of me as a body to lie underneath him while he thought of the woman he really wanted.

“Yeah,” I said at last. “That night we all went out to the bar after…well, you know. That night he sort of…propositioned me, I guess.”

If I had looked over at JJ, I would have seen how thunderstruck her expression was.

“He was still hurting over you, so he was looking for a body to lose himself in for a while.”

The blonde beside me cleared her throat. “And…you guys…”

“No,” I answered simply. “I told him no. I told him how I felt about him, how letting him use my body would tear me apart.”

“What did he say?”

“He asked me to do it anyway. He asked me to cut my heart into pieces to help him heal.”

“That doesn’t sound like Spence,” JJ defended.

I just shrugged. “People change.”

\--

After my conversation with JJ, things started to shift again. Spencer realized I existed again, and I only became aware of it because he started glaring _at me._

I should have suspected that JJ would tell him what I said, they had been friends for years. He had said it himself; he was the godfather of her children.

Because I could see the anger lurking just below the surface of his skin, I tried to brace myself for the explosion I knew would come sooner or later. I wasn’t too worried though; what could he do to hurt me more? I was already in agony.

A few days later, Spencer came up to me after the rest of the team had left the conference room.

“Did you tell JJ about that night outside the bar?”

I just stared up at his tense face. “You know I did.”

He huffed out a breath. “Why?”

“She could tell something was wrong that day you refused to go with me to interview a witness.” I dug my nails into my palm, refusing to let any pain show on my face. “She’s your best friend. I didn’t think there was any harm in telling her the truth.”

Spencer took a step towards me; his hands were balled into fists at his sides. “You had no right to tell her.”

“Are you mad that I told her…or are you mad that she knows?”

“They’re the same thing,” he snarled.

“No, they’re not,” I countered. “If you’re mad that I told her, you’re mad that I betrayed some sort of confidence you thought we had, that I violated some sort of privacy. But if you’re mad that she knows then you didn’t want her to know what happened.”

He took another step forward, forcing me back until I was almost pressed against the wall.

“Don’t profile me.”

My words were shaky, and I swear I could feel my heart tearing in two again. “I’m not. That’s just basic reasoning, Spencer. I don’t know why you’re mad that she knows, but I can guess.”

His arms came out to brace against either side of my head, caging me in. “And what do you _guess_?”

“The only thing that makes sense is your mad that she knows you were trying to fuck someone, anyone.” I finally let the first tear fall, unable to hold it back anymore. “It has to be that because it certainly couldn’t be that you are ashamed of what you asked of me that night. You’ve made it abundantly clear that you don’t value me as a person. I’m just a fuck toy to you.”

“I never-“

I put my hands against his chest, pushing him away from me with all the strength I had. “Yes. You. Have.” Once he was finally away from me, I felt like I could breathe again. “I love you. I love every single fucked up, wonderful, beautiful thing about you. I love the parts of you that are broken, I love the parts of you that you hate, I love you enough to give you every single piece of myself.”

I paused, inhaling shakily to try and calm myself. It didn’t work, the tears wouldn’t stop rolling down my cheeks. “I’m so sorry you can’t have the life you want, Spencer. I’m so sorry. I would do _anything_ to give it to you, that’s how much I love you. And what did I get in return? The offer to be underneath you while you thought of her.”

Under any other circumstances I would have been mortified to let anyone see me cry, but I couldn’t make it stop. The pain in my heart felt like a physical wound.

I wiped at my cheeks while I hurried out of the conference room, never looking back at Spencer for a single moment.

I heard the sound of footsteps behind me and for one brief moment the pain abated. I thought Spencer had followed me, I thought he was going to apologize.

“Y/n,” the person behind me called out.

Enduring constant pain is so much easier than having a moment where the pain is gone only to have it crash over you again. That sweet relief is never worth the agony you feel when the pain crushes you again.

I turned and looked at Luke Alvez through blurry eyes.

He didn’t say anything. He just wrapped me in his arms and held me while I cried.

\--

I requested to take some personal time starting the next day. Prentiss had known Reid and JJ for over 10 years; they were all friends. I held no illusions that she didn’t know exactly what had happened. She approved my request instantly.

“Take all the time you need,” she had said. “Your spot will still be here if you want it.”

 _If you want it_.

I felt even more terrible than I had before. Not only did I let Spencer Reid break my heart, I was letting how I felt about him threaten my career.

I was had never been more proud of myself than the moment I told Spencer “no” that night outside the bar.

I had never been more disgusted with myself than I was right now because I had let someone who didn’t care about me affect my life like this.

\--

Healing doesn’t happen in a linear progression. You start, you stop, you go backwards, then you start again. I took two weeks off from the BAU. I went for a walk every morning, I spent time with my friends, and I did things that made me happy.

Because I deserved to be happy.

My worth wasn’t determined by what Spencer Reid thought of me.

The only person who determined my worth was myself.

When the day came that I went back work, I felt lighter. My world didn’t have to be only cold and gray. My world could be filled with whatever I let into it.

I was still in love with Spencer Reid.

But I knew if I was gentle with myself, if I gave myself enough time, that would fade.

That’s the wonderful and terrible thing about life, it was always changing.

The second I walked into the bullpen I was immediately engulfed in a hug.

“I missed you, y/n.”

My smile was genuine. “I missed you too, Luke.”

“Move over,” Matt said, poking Luke in his side.

I hadn’t been with the team long, but everyone seemed genuine in their excitement and relief to see me again.

Spencer was looking at me, his eyes emotionless, his face blank.

And that hurt me a little bit.

But it wouldn’t always.

\--

Spencer finally spoke to me about a week later. I was standing in the kitchenette beside the BAU bullpen, getting a cup of coffee when I felt him slither over to the space beside of me.

“Can I talk to you?”

I nodded, my eyes never leaving my cup.

“I’m sorry.”

I turned to face him then. It was so strange; a few weeks ago, I would have given anything to hear those words from him. I still appreciated them now, but they didn’t heal anything within me like I thought they would.

The only person who could heal me was myself.

“I wasn’t fair to you,” he went on. “I haven’t been…I haven’t been myself since I got out of prison. That’s no excuse, but I’m just not the man I was before.”

I tilted my head to the side. “Sounds a bit like an excuse.”

His entire body tensed at my words. “Right. You’re right. And I…you deserve better.”

A few moments of silence stretched through the air before I spoke. “Well, thank you for apologizing.”

If I thought his entire body tensed before, it was nothing compared to his reaction now. He was so still I wasn’t even sure if he was breathing.

“Do…do you forgive me?”

“I think so,” I replied, turning back towards my cup.

He puffed out a breath, his posture relaxing beside me.

“Y/n…did you…did you mean what you said?” He seemed so different from the man outside the bar. Or even the man that pushed me up against a wall in the conference room.

I considered my words before I turned to meet his gaze head on again. “Of course, I wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t mean it. And it’s going to take me some time to not feel that way about you anymore.”

“Y/n, I-“

“You don’t have to say anything. It’s not fair of me to pour so much of myself out for someone who doesn’t feel the same. I’m starting to realize that I need to care about myself the same way I care about you.”

Spencer looked confused, his eyes running over my face.

When he walked away that time, it still felt cold.

But it wouldn’t always.


End file.
